My Job
by Fenice158
Summary: [spoiler S2 finale] And what do you think my job is? I asked you. And you didn't have an answer.
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING: SPOILER for season 2 finale All Hell Breaks Loose - Part II**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. **

**A/N: yes, lines from the episodes inspire me to write. This time the quotes are from 2x22 All Hell Breaks Loose. English is not my first language, I apologize for any mistake.**

**Sam's POV**

_

* * *

_

**My Job**

_Dean: "Don't get mad at me. Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job!"  
Sam: "And what do you think my job is?"  
Dean: "What?"  
Sam: "You saved my life, over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me, don't you think I'd do the same thing for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. I guess I gotta save your ass for a change."_

I died.

I died. I need to repeat it 'cause I don't remember dying. I remember I saw you and I was relieved and then that sharp pain in my back. Next thing I know I woke up and you hugged me as if your life depended on it. There was no sign of injury, as if many days had passed. Was I out that long, Dean? How could you heal me? You said you couldn't, but Bobby could. I wanted to believe you, I really wanted.

You acted weird, you didn't want to fight, you looked nervous and scared. You stared at me and I was wondering why. I knew you had probably gone mad when I disappeared but still I couldn't stop thinking about that hug. I can't even recall the last time you hugged me that way, Dean. It made me happy as I had fought so hard always hoping you would find me and feeling guilty 'cause you always have to save my ass. But it also scared me. The look in your eyes… you were hurt, it seemed you had gone through hell, Dean. I didn't imagine that there is exactly where you're going now. And it's my fault. Damn, Dean! It's all my fault! You're going to hell for me! To _hell_! It's not fair! You're going to hell just because I can't take care of myself, because I always have to show mercy! If only I had killed Jake right then when I had the chance… but it's too late now.

But I killed him. I did. I had to. I felt more than knew the truth. Bobby's face, Dean. Jake's face. When they saw me, it was as if they had seen a ghost. Or worse. A dead man walking.

You should have let me die. You once said "what's dead should stay dead". How is this different when it comes to me? I know what you would say. I can almost hear you. It's your job. Watch out for me. Take care of me. It's always been your job. But what do you think my job is? Uh? I asked you. And you didn't have an answer. I can't believe you really think you're alone, Dean. You're not alone! I'm here for you! I would do anything for you! Anything. I would die for you. I had already told you that, but you've never believed me, have you? Dean, you're my brother, you've always been there for me, you're all I have. My family. I tried to tell you, can't you really believe me? Don't you understand I care so much for you? And now I should live thinking you'll die and go to hell to save my stupid damn ass?! I won't. Never. I won't let it happen. I'm gonna get you out of it. Believe me or not, I'm gonna do it. I'll save you. No mercy this time. No mercy. I'll do anything to save you. Anything. I promise.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading and please review! I might add a second chapter with Dean's POV if you like this one. Constructive criticism is welcome, too. )**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.**

**A/N: here it is, Dean's POV. It was hard to write it, but it was stuck in my mind and I had to get it out. I tried to do my best, hope it doesn't suck. If it does, let me know it. It's the only way for me to improve. ;) **

**Thanks to all the reviewers, you really made my day! **

_

* * *

_

_Dean: "Don't get mad at me. Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job!"  
Sam: "And what do you think my job is?"  
Dean: "What?"  
Sam: "You saved my life, over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me, don't you think I'd do the same thing for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. I guess I gotta save your ass for a change."_

You're alive.

You're alive. I need to repeat it or I'll drown in my sorrow again. I don't wanna close my eyes. I can still see you dying. Dying in my arms. The last thing I wanted to see in my life and now it will haunt me until the end of my days. But that's nearer than I had thought, uh?

You don't remember that moment. I do and I'll carry it to the grave. You died in my arms while I was hugging you as if your life depended on it, as if I could hold the life inside you just keeping you close to me. But it didn't work and you left me. You died.

What was I supposed to do with you gone? I had no reason to live. No reason to fight. No reason to carry on. I wanted time to stop. I wanted the world to stop. You were dead and that was the end. Nothing else mattered.

Bobby wanted to bury you. I felt blood boiling in my brain when he said that. No way. I couldn't let you go. It was all my fault you got kidnapped, I was supposed to watch out for you! It's my job! It was the only thing I had to do and I screwed it up! You got stabbed, right in front of me. It was as if I had been stabbed too. It would have been better.

I made the deal. I had to. I know what you think. You think I did it 'cause I feel guilty. I didn't do it for dad, Sam. I did it for you. I had to keep you safe. It was the only way I could patch things up. I would do anything for you. And I did. I gave my life for you. I'm not even supposed to be here, I can pay my debt now. I've got time and you live. You live. That's important. I can't make it without you. I have nothing else. But you can, Sam. Once I'm gone you can make it. You can have the life you've always wanted. You won't have to stick with me, hunting, risking your neck, doing all the things you run away from when you went to Stanford. You'll be happy, Sam. Maybe you'll suffer, maybe you'll miss me, but you'll be fine.

I was so happy when I saw you standing again. It worked and you're alive. You were standing there in front of me and I just had to hug you, to feel that you were alive, hugging back, wondering why I was acting that way. I didn't care. I wasn't going to tell you. You didn't need to know. As long as you're alive everything's ok. I kept staring at you. You didn't remember and I was relieved. Unfortunately it lasted just a few seconds 'cause you were itching to fight again. You didn't understand the pain it gave me. I've given all I have. I don't care about fighting. We can't fight. If anything happens to you I won't be able to patch things up again.

I suddenly realize my limits.

I've got just _one_ life to give for you. It's not enough. Not anymore. Can't you just take care of yourself? Let me recover from the shock? Let me think that you're safe for a while? But you couldn't. You had no idea what I'd been going through and I didn't want to tell you.

When Bobby saw you, I almost thought he would tell you everything. It was obvious. He was there, he saw your corpse. When you thanked him he realized. Last time I saw him so angry he was arguing with dad and he almost shot him. I thought maybe he was going to speed things up for me. But he didn't. He shouted at me. I cried. I fell to pieces, Sam. I'm so happy to have you again. But I'm going to leave you. Who will watch out for you then? What if you make something stupid and I'm not there to save your ass? What if you can't find your way and be happy? I'm going to leave you alone. Why can't I be with you? What if I'm sacrificing everything and it blows up in my face?

Now you know the truth. I tried to avoid this moment, but you know and you're angry. You can't do this to me, Sam. You can't be mad at me. I did it for you. I couldn't let you go. I couldn't.

Suddenly it hits me.

_I_ couldn't let you go. You were gone. But I couldn't stand it. I can't lose you too. Not _you_. So, maybe this is the truth, I did it for me. 'Cause I need you. Oh, God. I brought you back and now I'm gonna leave you alone, I'm asking you to do what I wasn't able to. I'm asking you to let your brother die, knowing it's your fault. But, again, it's just _my_ fault. It's not yours. _I_ did this.

I don't want to leave you.

You're angry and you're right. But your words tell me what I've never dared to believe, what I've never felt to deserve. You're not mad at me. You care for me, and you're trying not to cry but it's not working. I feel warm inside while you say you would do anything for me, while you promise you'll get me out of it. I know there's no way. But for a few seconds I believe you and I smile.


End file.
